The steel-mirror of her smile

13 October 1904. And so we ride. In July we purchased the vehicle of passion – a Pope-Hartford touring car, and whenever I am not writing or gardening or on the terrace star- gazing I am bundled in the car, with dogs, Teddy, HJ, and dear Charles Cook as charioteer. Yesterday we toured Lee and Becket, and the voyage reminded me that one has to glimpse only a sliver of a scene to know it complete.
A vision I won’t soon forget– We turned off Main Street in Becket village & began to climb a high street; where I saw sheds built from rough boards clinging to the stark mountainside. An inhabitant of one such place stood motionless in a black doorway, her face gnarled like the granite flank on which she lived. My heart pounded at the scene–HJ beside me saw it too but I don’t believe he had the same reaction. We motored on; the shadows bruised and grew long. The burnished Lenox autumn around Laurel Lake suddenly was very far away.
Some time ago Rev. Lynch in Lenox told me about a woman who became seriously ill in such a shack on Bear Mountain. She was from one of the drunken mountain outlaw families who live
on the fringes of the Berkshire hilltowns. When he arrived to administer last rites, he found her already dead, flung on a bare mattress on the floor, her skirts bunched up to reveal one glistening leg, swollen with rot. She lay there like a dead dog in a ditch, her family in the shadows, half-drunk and inchoate with animal grief. The Rev said the sight of the living faces too horribly showed by what stages hers had lapsed into death. There was no coffin. Someone had dug a hole for her body, and they carried her out into the bitter cold on the mattress. These glimpses of squalid misery are but a fragment; I see the entirety with something other than my weary old eyes. Perhaps my possession of this other sight is what compels Teddy to call my writing a form of witchcraft. My dear old man doesn’t see me, and for that matter I no longer see him ...
Newborns screaming in a cold shack, slippery with blood, brown bread and a dull knife on a greasy table, smoke and fire spluttering in a cold hearth– they all flash between the trees, in the steep periphery, on every motor-flight. I cannot evade these images, they’re in my chest, crying to come out, needing to be told.

All Soul’s Day, 1904. The Mount. Will be closing up soon for the season and then on to warmer climes. Finishing the final edits to House of Mirth, revising the ending. Charming letter from Walter arrived today, asking if House’s interior decoration is being attended to...and praying that none of its chimneys smoke. Seated at my desk in the library now, I have to smile.
In the end, Lily was right. Freedom is a draught meant to be drained to its lees, and success is not a country with a pass-code known only by those who see no difference between money and poverty. Those who see no difference are fools. There is a difference.
In the end, Lily is no longer a case to be clinically studied by Selden; nor is she a butterfly writhing on the end of a pin, praying for suffocation between two dusty panes of glass. Her face, once mobile, is cold and impassive in death. I agonized over this final scene and slashed at it last week; this morning some sort of grace blew off the lake and into my chilly bedroom. It is late fall here but I gave Selden a spring morning and a smarting chill light to look one last time at her now expressionless face. Lily’s actual death and the close of the book were easier to write than her living death, earlier in the story. In the Baroque phase of Lily’s life, she poses, sensationally, as “Mrs. Lloyd,” the Sir Joshua Reynolds painting, as part of a tableau vivant amusement. I situated the scene at a party hosted by the freshly minted Wellington Brys. In her silken, almost sheer gown, it seemed as though she wore nothing underneath, and her onlookers – the petrol of the great machine – were at once uplifted and disgusted by her display. Humiliations to follow. Birth, marriage, death – the polite woman’s lot ... Lily transcends all three. Scribner’s will be serializing House of Mirth in its issues starting January. The novel will publish in October 05. May none of its chimneys smoke, indeed.

le 3 Mars 1907. 58 Rue de Varenne, Paris. T & I and the dogs and the servants are settled in to the new apt. I can breathe freely, a home in Paris at last; even Teddy thinks I’m in fine form again. And yet my hand shakes as I write this. Not certain what this feeling is. But I am not naive; I know its connected to something, or someone, very new. At Rosa’s salon last week I met an American journalist named Morton Fullerton; I believe he’s a Parisian correspondent for the Times. My mind is wandering at these inanities even as I write. His eyes are a mocking icy blue, framed by dark lashes and gleaming black hair. He is almost my height; compact, coiled. Physically at ease with himself, stunning to see in a male. Lithe, almost an effeminate air I find immensely attractive, what with the transparency and devotedness of most of my men friends...Henry, Walter, etc. I know M can be of help for me for French serialization of The House of Mirth; trying to reserve some time so we can speak privately about the matter. Want him to have tea with H & me. There’s something very mysterious about Fullerton, something hidden behind the magnetic emptiness of those eyes. Very knowledgeable about Franco-American relations, George Meredith (M is a fan and a friend, evidently), etc. Easy to talk to – when one can find him.

6 March 1907. 58 Rue de Varenne. Yes, there is something mysterious about dear Monsieur Fullerton. He doesn’t respond to my notes or request for help in placement of House of Mirth. Sally tells me he has family in eastern Massachusetts and some sort of business there this summer. I’ll send him a note asking if he would like to visit The Mount in the fall.

7 March 1907. M replied and said he most certainly will visit; Mon cher Henry however tells me he’ll make an excuse at the last minute and not come. I refuse to believe it and already look fwd to October in Lenox.

28 October 1907. The Mount. Whatever sadness was upon me, mocking me...I have succeeded in waving away its black wings. M was here last Monday and Tuesday–already a week ago. It was a brief visit, and I am just beginning to feel its reverberations now.
On Tuesday I took M and Eliot on a motor-flight, and despite the chill and the early snow I was warm inside, looking at M’s glossy head in the front seat, next to Cook. We stopped so Cook could put chains on the wheels; M and I sat in the wet leaves (did I get cold? I can’t remember). I noticed a wych-hazel in bloom nearby. To me, the shrub is the sign of the late-bloomer... an old woman’s blossom. At 45 years of age (although the same probably could be said of me at 18), I am a late-bloomer. We dropped M off in Westfield so he could get on to his family in Brockton; E and I continued on; I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the trip. The air was dazzlingly clear; I drank it down gratefully...a white note on my tongue.
I received a thank-you note from M today, and folded inside the paper was a sprig of wych-hazel. I read the kind letter in my boudoir and held the tough little brown and yellow sprig in my fingers, and tears of emotion welled up in my eyes and pressed against my chest. Forty-five years of lonely interior life and only now am I feeling this ache which must be love, I can deduce as much for I am falling; this is the plunge I have, until this moment, only read about.
Without M here now I only wish to return to Paris.

Le 22 mai 1908. 58 Rue de Varenne. After the events of this spring, it seems errant and incorrect, somehow, to be leaving for Lenox tomorrow. After Teddy, in misery, left Paris for a spa in Arkansas in March, I have taken many liberties with M. Or as many as possible what with my schedule. Have been snatching time to meet with him whenever I can. Lately he has been teasing me about my lack of experience in matters of love; his taunts are almost not playful and they make my cheeks burn with shame. It is true–I am inexperienced. Lately my lack has been v. much in the foreground. I am not pretty enough, not young enough, not many things enough for M. I have been too sad, for too long, & something in my nature – some lack, I suppose– has left me starving for what other women seem at least once in their life to know.
And yet those bitter feelings are washed away by other afternoons. The other day we sat in le jardin de Lux and took in the warmth; in my feverish ear he whispered that I was his love, his darling, and I stared at the other lovers walking carefully side by side and I wondered if they knew what I knew...that my bottomless appetite for this man has drained the world of its blood. I can’t bear the thought of a summer and fall in Lenox. I will miss the constant bleus...our word for the little notes that fly between us several times a day. Meet me at the Louvre, le Bois du Boulogne, les Tuileries. Jusqu’a le moment prochain...I love it, you know I do...with these fragments of scribbled phrase on my breakfast tray an entire scene unfolds in my mind as I hurtle toward our next meeting.

1 October 1908. Lenox. Nothing. No letters, no bleus, nothing. Curt replies through the spring and early summer have dwindled and no longer arrive. I wrote M today asking for my letters back, for what can remain? He has forgotten me, or has forgotten what was between us. I cannot know what is worse. Anything on earth wd be better ... than to sit here and wonder: What was I to him, then?
I am reminded of George Meredith’s Modern Love, a favourite of M’s...written in 1862, after Meredith’s marriage crumbled under his wife’s infidelity. Written the year I was born. I find myself returning to the verses again and again: Yea filthiness of body is most vile,/but faithlessness of heart I do hold worse./The former, it were not so great a curse/To read on the steel-mirror of her smile.
Also I am reminded of the poem’s original subtitle —This is not meat for little people or for fools. Aah, I am still too young and tender, somewhere, to be hurt this way And too old to play these girlish games that end in heartache. The silence and too-obvious faithlessness of his heart is crushing me. It’s still suffocatingly hot here and I cannot bear to be in my once beloved Lenox paradise a moment longer.

5 June 1909, Charing Cross Hotel, London. Sensing last night was a coda or terminus of sorts. I thought as much even as I was crying into M’s open mouth, as we lay in the sooty bed, bathed in lurid red light, palm to palm, breast to breast. He left some time ago and sent roses just now. Outside the window the train thrumming within and without as we made love, and the rhythm jolted me into a meter I must try to master—

14 July 1911, The Mount. Yesterday’s horrors tell me I have no choice but to sell the house. Teddy initially agreed, but is now vehemently opposed. He returned from a fishing trip yesterday and immediately became abusive, much to H’s horror. After tearing through the gallery, and up the stairs to my boudoir (I could hear him clattering below) he told me that I must save myself and leave him. But he still won’t agree to sell this boat anchor of a house and then begs me not to turn my back on him. Oh, if I were free—free—free! Isn’t it awful to have a chain snaffled around one’s neck all the time, without knowing it? And again, a miserable heat wave. H left today, mortified by the scene.

26 Sept 1911, Rue de Varenne. When I landed a few days ago I received a cable that Teddy had sold The Mount. All this, after I made him promise to do no such thing until I cabled him from Paris and could consult with him. I wish I could be more pleased about the publication of Ethan Frome, but I have received news from the doctors in French Lick, Indiana that Teddy does have some sort of psychosis.
Feeling terrible vertigo and shock. Have much in common with Mr. Frome and his crushed hopes. Little else makes sense to me. Without The Mount for us to share there is truly nothing for me and the dear old man. I no longer recognize the gallant, supportive, and gentle soul I married 26 yrs ago. I timidly write the word I have been avoiding with heart and pen: divorce.

27 July 1914, Poitiers. It’s nonsense. It cannot be. Yet there it is, tonight, on a heavy lidded evening, one of many in summertime France. A reality is drifting into my hotel window: passerby are singing La Marseillaise, and rousing us from a pleasant doze. Walter and I both craned our necks out of our windows and gazed into the square, as people raced below, taking up the rousing refrain. It can’t be war.

3 August 1914, Rue de Varenne. After reading my last entry, I can only reply: It most certainly is. Germany declared war on Belgium yesterday, and today, on France. One can only hope that this conflict ends within a few weeks.

20 October 1914, Rue de Varenne. After a foolishly-timed late summer sojourn in England – where I tried to convince myself that my destiny is this dear domestic paradise – the quaint Anglo countryside I returned to Paris in late September and found a new mistress to run my sewing shop on the rue de l’Univ. Hopefully the shop can help unmarried ladies or war widows...friends are offering plenty of financial and moral support. American friends included, of course...but why is my native country not offering its military aid? These American pacifists in Washington and beyond don’t know the monstrous results of their decision not to act!

17 Feb 1915. Vauquois. Writing this from the relative safety of the Mercedes. Cook has taken us to Vauquois, and I can hear and see the battle Even Walter thinks our travels have been thrilling. What a motor-flight After months of brutality in the Argonne, France seems to be fighting back against the hideous Boche and finally gaining ground. In the distance, on the butte, I can see men in silhouette, running and falling, running and falling. It looks like a story I should write one day, but it is not. War has somehow extinguished all narrative. War is “like” nothing. Blood is not a crimson seal, dying with dirt in your mouth, while what used to be the sky erupts and liquefies overhead (a wounded soldier the other day used these words to describe the Front to me), is not “like” being buried alive. It is not “like” hell.
Cannon fire thrums until we scarcely notice it. Smeared faces with blood on their teeth walk on. And, to that end, a refrain we hear again and again: Sauvez, sauvez la France. I will not abandon you again.

FIN

“The steel-mirror of her smile” is a work of fiction. However, some of the passages have been taken directly from Edith Wharton's novels, letters, and actual diary entries. Those brief phrases are bolded in this text. Sources for this work are Hermione Lee’s 2007 biography of Edith Wharton (Vintage Books), Modern Love and Other Poems by George Meredith (Kessinger Publishing, 2008), Wharton’s The House of Mirth (Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1905) and Summer (1993, Bantam Books).

Raza

The future you shall know when it has come; before then, forget it. – Aeschylus

Kelsie and her smeary gray eyes, oily grape lipstick, skin tinged its usual shade of green, staggered backward, fingertips bright with blood.
This was the game they would play: Kelsie took a long sip of air through her nose and mouth and, leaned forward, eyes closed. At the same time, Javon blew out a long whistling breath. Their faces moved together, Kelsie’s lips pursed, Javon’s soft. Their lips touched. Javon sealed his lips around Kelsie’s mouth.
Several long giddy moments. Kelsie exhaled, slow and dreamy, into Javon’s mouth, as he inhaled. Sitting on the edge of his bed, or her bed at her mom’s, they would go back and forth like that, sharing air. They called it space breathing.
When Kelsie pulled away, somehow her lipstick would always make a greasy purple ring around his mouth. Sometimes it was smeared on his cheek. Javon wasn’t sure if he hated that, being imprinted, or if he secretly liked it. Space breathing was the wintertime game, before Christmas break, but the other game was springtime, was now. “I stabbed her because,” Javon told himself. He knew this only made sense to him, and maybe to Kelsie. It didn’t make sense to the sheriff’s department, or to community corrections, or to the Youth Offender Program, but none of that seemed to matter now, in light of other things that were happening. “In light of larger world events,” Javon thought, echoing the words used by his tutor at the YOP.
Like most of her friends and some of her teachers knew and guessed, Kelsie didn’t exactly have a personal permanent address at the moment. She saw it as a problem only when she was at a friend’s and her clothes bag and makeup were at her mom’s.
Today, after school, she was due at her mom’s, and Kelsie wanted to get her stuff out of there before her mom got home. If they met up at the apartment – a first floor one bedroom in a two-family that her mom had been living at for about six months, a world record for her – they were due for a fight.
Kelsie felt like something was pushing her between her shoulder blades, forcing her forward into whatever the next thing was, and she liked it. She couldn’t get in the side door but the basement window was open, so she squeezed down there, legs first, leaving her bag in the back yard. She wanted to be in the basement anyway, because that’s where the landlord’s stuff was. The coffee can on his old work table was filled with all kinds of saf-t-blades. She reached for one with a silver handle.
The first pass was always the best, a butterfly quiver. She already had a word in mind but it didn’t matter. The coffee can was painted a thick forest green and it had uncooked pasta elbows stuck all over it, also painted the same shit green. Kelsie made a similar thing for her father, when she was in second grade.
She drew the point of the triangular blade slow and sure across the soft whitish green skin on her inner arm between her wrist and elbow. Pulled the line through, making a curving J, her mouth already getting that metallic bloom. She and Javon putting their bloody arms together, space bleeding, haha, so they could be a part of each other. But not now, or not ever, could she ever cut with anyone there, even Javon.
The platinum foaming now, carbonating, ecstatic. An acrid smell of fear, the cat her mom hit and quickly wrapped in a towel and drove cursing to the vet as the animal lowed in Kelsie’s lap in the back seat, the hyacinth someone had planted outside, by the side door, the smell of wet early April, cold and shocked, what’s it called, that flower, she didn’t know the name of it, her thighs going weak, like she was kicked in the back of the knees, but nice, subtle, and she leaned against the workbench, the plywood edge jamming against her ribs, overcast, all parting way for a razor frond shower of sparkler sparks, incandescent, burning her forearms, as Kelsie pirouetted carefully and sat down cross-legged against the moist cellar wall. Her neck and armpits were soaked in sweat. She sat there for a while, and waited for everything to go back to being just regular.
Kelsie could see Javon’s eyes stray from her face. A tremor, a wobble, almost imperceptible; he was looking into her face, but for that breadth he was not. For a fraction of a second he was elsewhere. Javon was looking at someone else, someone behind her, or worse: He was looking at the space where someone soon will be.
The empty space will be filled by Raza. Raza, the cross country and track runner, who moved back to Pittsfield from Florida. She left Pittsfield as a 9th grader, pudgy and somehow immune to whatever taunt the rest of her schoolmates could hurl at her. Raza, who, at 14, was willing to run both the steeplechase, hurdles, and the two miler. Who was forgotten until she returned to Pittsfield in February, in the middle of Junior year.
Raza, with her swath of elbow-length tawny hair, tawny skin, and weird brown copper eyes. So beautiful and removed that no one could say anything. One day in between the March elimination tests, Kelsie secretly watched Raza in the hall, as she pulled things out of her locker, as she flexed her ankles, going up on tiptoe and settling her heels down.
I will never matter. I’m vanishing as you read this. Looking down at my palms now, a lurid, venous red, my shoulder blades banged against the wall so hard, the plaster cracked a little. I will never know the flower names, the two note bird call you always hear, who sings it, the constellations.
Kelsie looked at her arm. She could feel the stitches tugging under her sweater. She slapped at the stitches when they started to itch, but only in private. Raza meant “race” in Spanish. Kelsie looked it up. It also could mean “the people.” She had given Javon the knife, the stubby, half dull paring knife, and he looked at it, looked at her, and said, “with this? I’ll kill you if I do it with this.”
Raza had a scooter, which everyone thought was weird and stupid until they found out that all the stars and beautiful unknowns in South Florida had one too. Kelsie was still trying to learn how to sit up straight and not disturb the stitches when Raza asked her if she needed a ride home.
Kelsie was sitting on the steps outside the main door after school. “Do I look like I need a ride?”
The scooter spluttered and farted a puff of exhaust. Raza waited and didn’t answer, and Kelsie knew that yes, she looked like she needed a ride somewhere. In fact she looked like something that had been left outside and rained on repeatedly, because she was.
The lake was partially thawed out, and they stood by the shore, looking at the fog. When Kelsie said it smelled like shit, like long dead fish, Raza said she should have seen what Miami smelled like just before they left.
“How come you don’t speak Spanish?” Kelsie asked her after a while.
“No one spoke it in my house,” Raza said. “Do you speak Irish? Or Welsh?”
“There are no Irish or Welsh languages,” Kelsie said. “How did you know what my family was?”
Raza looked at her for a moment but didn’t say anything. Then she picked up a flat stone, and with a swift movement, bounced it across the surface of the water.
“Running is the future,” Raza said. This was later, the next day. “Soon, if we want something, we’re gonna have to run for it. Run to it.”
Kelsie was sitting on the bleachers, on one of the sagging lower slats, smoking a wet, half-broken menthol. Raza was standing on the track, shielding her eyes from the weak May sun. Kelsie tried to sit in a way that wouldn’t let the stitches – staples actually – pooch out over the edge of her tight jeans. She thought maybe she should take up running so she could look like Raza, whose hips and waist were in a straight, hard line.
When the scooter was running, which wasn’t very often, Raza would wait for Kelsie by the main doors after school, and they would ride to the lake. If they had to walk, they would meet by the back path. Kelsie’s mom lived on King Street, in Browntown, and Raza would walk her there before she continued on to her dad’s place on Daniels Avenue. The walk was long enough for Raza to tell Kelsie a story.
Raza moved back to Pittsfield because of “pollution contamination,” as she called it. One very early morning last December the Home Guard came to their street and said they had eight hours to clear out. Raza said her family knew this was coming, the Guard had been coming from the southwest, going street to street, in every neighborhood, and ordering people to push north because of the cloud. In fact Kelsie had heard about the cloud. She remembered reading it on her screen, almost by accident.
“People not in Miami thought it was a pain in the ass ball of smog but it’s way worse than that,” Raza said. “I woke up one morning and our whole front lawn was like three deep in dead white birds. Egrets. The whole street was covered. My dad was going to start throwing them in a trash bag but our neighbor came out of the house screaming not to touch them, because they caused cancer.”
Those who had a car that worked and could still drive and could somehow get the car to I-75 or I-95, that’s what they did. Those who didn’t, or couldn’t, Raza said, just started walking. Or bicycling. Their bodies and bikes were weighed down with whatever they could balance. Trash bags stuffed to the limit and lashed to their owners’ backs. Cans of food. Photo albums. That last one was the worst to see, Raza said. Fucking ancient photo albums weighed a ton. Her grandparents had a stack of them, passed down through the generations. Both the grandparents and the photo albums were gone now. Raza also said she saw an old woman, sugary white, riding on the back of another woman. They had a saddle, with stirrups and everything. The woman-horse looked like she was strong at one point in her life, but had moved beyond strong, and could walk forever. Her back half bent and racked beyond pain. Pods of runners, bodies cannibalized from hunger and fatigue, running in identical cadence. Someone on a bike dragging what appeared to be a black towel on a rope, and before she could jerk her glance away she saw what it really was. Raza said she only had to glimpse something to know it complete.
Raza said she rode her scooter next to her dad’s car. Lines for petrol were long and the trip, which normally took her dad 22 hours, ended up taking almost three weeks.
“You watch. Wherever we have to go next, I know most of it will be on foot. Because we won’t be able to get any petrol. I’ll walk to fucking Baffin Bay if I have to,” Raza said.
Raza’s return to Pittsfield seemed to trigger a city-wide worry about the cloud, which had now become The Cloud. At first, only the adults and the rich kids seemed to care; they were the ones who held up signs in Park Square, with slogans like “it’s coming” or “hold your breath.” Things got more tense when other people showed up with signs that said “Keep going your not sleeping on our couch.”
It was known that The Cloud was a slow bomb, a creep, and instead of an incendiary (Kelsie’s new favorite word) event, it was a pulmonary event. An event, they said, that began with a dry, nagging cough and ended with a gasping, retching heave that shot arterial blood, alveoli, and tarry matter into your mouth. There was a name for this cough, Raza said: la tos marron. The brown cough.
Raza knew the skull stage was the last holdout place where things would live, the last place they existed before dying forever. She tried to remember South Florida before the cloud. All that was left was the time leading up to her family’s departure. What was the smell of Hollywood Lakes? She kept sliding back to her grandmother and her stories about grapefruits and their stinging ruby meat, and the pretty stink that blew off the sewerage treatment plant on the days when the wind blew from the northeast, which was rare at the end. But those were grandmother’s memories, not Raza’s. Not that it always mattered. Better the borrowed ones than the thing she kept fighting back: Xiane doubled over in exhaustion, pain, and disgust, quickly wiping away the contents of her cough on her magenta kidskin glove.
Raza stood outside the bathroom stall and waited for Xiane to finish cleaning herself up. She made a point not to touch anything in the girls’ room. Within six days of Xiane showing symptoms that severe, 38 more kids at South Broward High started with la tos. The cloud was the lead story on almost every major news feed throttle and the heads made it sound like it was a visiting dignitary, this one more malevolent and unpredictable than any named storm. By the second week, two-thirds of the 5,550 kids at South Broward had stopped coming to school. Xiane was bedridden, her device got shut off, and the parents of both girls agreed it was best if no one visited Xiane.
The last day she went to school, she wore the regulation mask they were handing out at the old Publix. Mr. Jiminez, standing bent and weird at the screen in front of the almost empty class. There were only two other kids, and they also wore masks. After a few minutes into his mumbled lecture, Raza realized the man had aged decades in like one week. Then she noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks and diverting gracefully around the thick rubber gasket sealed around his mouth. He just stood there shaking, light biro in his hand, trying to suppress a cough, or sobs, or both. He kept saying, in English, something that sounded like “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” She took that as a sign to stop going.
Then the massive bird die-off, the sound below of men’s shouts in the apartment downstairs and on the street below; that afternoon was the first time Raza could say she was in a living nightmare; her cat had gone missing and she was ashamed that she couldn’t remember the last time she saw him, when she held him last; after the Home Guard left their apartment Raza was on her white throw rug by her bed, looking to see if he was up in the boxspring where he used to hide when he was really scared. Raza straightened out her legs and lay on her stomach. What was this? “The frantic niggling patience of a man in a burning house trying to gather up a broken string of beads.” Faulkner, one of her favorites. That line was for this moment, a fistful of water, which kept her alive, which kept sliding away.
She put her wet forehead on the back of her hand and began to cry for real, luxurious tears, half appalled and frightened.. She couldn’t remember why she was on the floor, what she was looking for. Please don’t take my mind. She was sixteen. Her father called from down the hall. Raza, let’s go.
That was months ago. But here was that time again, in Pittsfield. June. Raza was on her scooter, sitting in a petrol line on Wahconah Street. She guessed the line looked like something out of another generation’s memory of lack, of rations, of barely contained panic and hostility. A toy vision of the end.
Raza stayed straddled on the scooter and walked it toward the pumps using her toes, which was kind of difficult because she was wearing flip flops. It took an hour to get to the pump and put a gallon and a half into the tank. A guy in a trashed Vauxhall filled with what appeared to be scrapings off a hoarder’s floor poked his head out the passenger window and asked if he could go where she was going. His eyes were boiled red and when he rolled down his window she could smell a gust of state line smokes and baked vinyl. It was doubly sad.
She found Kelsie lying on her bed. “Don’t do that,” Raza said, in her usual flat voice, putting a percussive tap on the last t, which annoyed Kelsie to no end. “Did you pack anything?”
Kelsie didn’t answer. “Well, we can’t bring it anyway,” Raza said. “I figure we’ll get way up in Vermont with the petrol we have, but after that, we’ll probably have to walk. Come on, my dad wants to get on the road.”
Kelsie stayed on her back, chin to chest, arms limp at her sides. Her screen was balanced on her stomach and she was watching something Raza couldn’t see. “How are we going to do this,” Kelsie asked.
Raza considered just leaving her there, so she could cough herself to death. “Where is your mom?”
“I don’t know. Not here. I don’t think she’s been here for a long time.”
Raza had a feeling she knew where she was but she didn’t say. Instead, she wrapped her ponytail around her fist and flapped her hair in hope of a breeze. “Come on. We’re gonna drive, then we’re gonna run, and walk, and run. It’ll be fun. And look – ” Raza lifted her shirt and spun around, wiggling her ass. Kelsie burst out laughing.

Photo: Sophia, by Jessica Willis 2010

The Taking of Raza

Passages from the following were read at Cirque de Thé, an event on 9/10/10 in Northampton, Massachusetts celebrating the release of the Fall 2010 issue of Meat For Tea, a Pioneer Valley-based literary journal. A version of my short (but ever-lengthening) story "Raza" appears in the Fall issue of the journal.


Raza is a retelling of the story, or stories, my student Javon told me over the course of the last school year.

Javon became my student after he had stabbed his girlfriend in the stomach at a party, and a restraining order was subsequently placed on him. It wasn’t clear if it was after the stabbing or after the restraining order, that he was officially barred from regular classes at school. The only other information I had about Javon, besides his criminal record, was his IQ. The number they gave me put Javon’s intelligence somewhere between that of a chia pet and that of John Stuart Mill.

I’d rather know a student’s pulse rate, but that’s just me.

Javon and I met every morning in a small room on the top floor of the old deconsecrated jail. I call it deconsecrated because eleven years ago it had been closed down and left to die, and a new, modern-looking facility had been opened about three miles away, near the Berkshire Mall. To an outsider, it had none of the charm of the old redbrick jail. The new jail, as it was known, was a sprawling cinder block and concertina wire job, and perhaps its proximity to the Berkshire Mall and the nearby concrete farm made it look like a hostile one story stepchild of both. The old jail was re-opened with the acronym Youth Offender Program about eight years ago.

There used to be hangings at the old jail, during the Civil War era. I took pride in telling Javon this, in hopes that I would be able to control him through, well, the threat of execution, the threat of the old noose.

Javon didn’t really act out much, though, but he was fond of licking everything in sight – lead paint peeling off the wall near where he sat, the potted soil and the apical bud of the half dead mint plant I brought in as a science experiment that would, like the old jail, die a slow death of its own – I mean the experiment, not the plant, because the plant is still alive as I tell you this. Javon named the mint plant Javon, and when I look at it out there, by my very nice front door which does NOT contribute to any of my middle class guilt, I think, “hello Javon.”

Right. So Javon licked everything in sight–I won’t describe his tongue here but it was flame like and very pink against his skin which was the color of you know what if you must know. I countered that very alive flicking pink tongue with stories about the old jail, the building we were in at the very moment. A building which still smelled like mop water under the other tutors’ honeysuckle perfume and dried cakes of watercolor paint in the art room where a sign said you were NOT allowed to build a bong or draw gang signs or fashion anything hate related. In fact the only thing you were allowed to paint was Escher type of shit, stairways that went nowhere, or green lump hills that told of nowhere.

After a couple of weeks worth of these two hour tutoring sessions, forty minutes each of reading, geometry, and earth science, we were comfortable enough together to openly talk about things other than angles, photosynthesis, and Paul Revere’s ride by Longfellow – which Javon said was stupid to read because if anyone knocked on anyone’s door in the middle of the night today, you know what they’d get.

Around this time somehow the subject of Black Sabbath came up. I probably brought it up, and it was definitely me who said I wanted to form a Black Sabbath cover band, but have it be klezmer, and the band would be called Shabbat. Eventually the band name would disintegrate into Shazbat. Javon didn’t know what either of those Yiddish words meant, and I felt again the embarrassing divide between the new human being, and the one who gets shazbat and whatever flotsam of references that matter not to the new human being.

Of course I never started that band, because the best I can do for any band is sing, and Black Shazbat would be an instrumental act.

The good news was that Javon had an old clarinet from middle school band, and he said it was partially fucked up but still worked, and could make sounds. At my urging, he brought the clarinet to the old jail, the old jail, which we now referred to as the YOP, or Youth Offender Program. There was, and is, something offensive about the acronym YOP.

So Javon finally remembered to bring the clarinet to the YOP. True enough, it was fucked up. It looked like some of the silver parts had been stripped off. The clarinet made some blatting fart geese sounds, and it sounded so good, other tutors came in to the hallway to hear what we were doing in our too small room with the peeling lead paint and licked surfaces. We got through a few bars of “The Wizard,” and left it at that. I admit I also tried to play Javon’s clarinet, even after he put his pink flamelike tongue against the dried out saliva soaked reed.

These kinds of fun exercises in pedagogy and tutor tutee trust eventually lead us to the stories Javon told me. These stories were about Kelsie, the girlfriend he stabbed, and Raza, the scary Spanish girl with the waterfall hair (his words, not mine) and the weird knowing. Also his words. Raza moved to the West Side of Pittsfield from South Florida, Javon said, and with her, she brought news about something called “The Cloud.”

He described The Cloud as a ball of really bad pollution that messed up (his words) Florida and was roiling (my words) up to Massachusetts, fucking up (his words) everything in its wake. I was like, Ok, Javon. Enough. Back to Longfellow, back to pi. Javon told me about Raza’s story concerning one of the symptoms of Cloud infection. Something called the “tos marron,” or brown cough.

I wrote that “The cloud was a slow bomb, a creep, and instead of incendiary – Kelsie’s new favorite word – it was pulmonary. A pulmonary event, they said, that began with a dry, nagging cough and evolved into a gasping, retching heave that squirted a palateful of arterial blood, alveoli, and tarry matter into your mouth. Javon also said Raza and her family left Florida when they woke up one morning and their front lawn, and the whole street, was three deep covered in dead or almost dead white birds. Egrets, I guessed.

Javon said Raza was a runner, and she said the future belonged to runners, because in the future we will have to go everywhere like everyone did for thousands of years before cars and bikes. This interested me, because I am a runner too, and I share Raza’s belief.

It occurred to me, later on, that Javon was lying to me about the existences of Raza, The Cloud, and Kelsie. It was hard for me to believe that Kelsie was essentially spineless and she needed to get cut.

It occurred to me that I could write a book called “Lies my students told me,” but on second and third thought that title and subject aren’t nearly as interesting, or as voluminous, or as destructive, as the already extant “Lies My Teacher Told Me.”

Ergo, I consigned “Lies my students told me” to my imaginary pile of other books that never were, and never will be, like “White women of no distinction,” or “Little Elvis,” about an imaginary meeting between Elvis Presley and Jack Kerouac in 1960s Lowell; or the heavily umlautted “City of Sin,” about the amazingly so bad it was good Motley Crue /Y&T outdoor concert at the Lynn Manning Bowl in August 1985, where my spiderweb makeup melted, my thighs chafed, the guy I sat with was on acid but out of jail, and I was paranoid because we chewed and screwed on the Pike and my roommate told me “the hamburger police was gonna get us.” She added to my paranoia by describing a cop car speeding after us, with its hamburger bubble spinning, yodeling, and flashing blue and red.

There was also the as of yet untitled book about the Summer of 1990 endured in Northampton, Massachusetts. That book actually doesn’t belong in the imaginary pile, because I started it, well, ripped it off verbatim from my diary entries, and sold it to a now defunct women’s magazine in the UK. But it got all screwed up because they had to Anglify it for their audience. You know, “greasy one dollar bills” became “wadded five pound notes,” “the cottage in the Berkshires” became a “house in Berkshire.”

It was just wrong. I was, however, paid in pound sterling, which seemed more interesting 13 years ago than it does now.

It occurred to me that the relationship shared between me and Javon was more about me, more about what I needed to learn. I felt like I had subjected Javon to a lot of crap he didn’t need, like Black Sabbath, middle class Judaica, my own discomfort, my own failure. Then again, he subjected me to Raza, to the Cloud, to la tos marron, to licking everything, to Javon the still growing mint plant, and to his own busted up but admittedly entertaining take on klezmer.

It occurred to me that storytellers are always trying to sell someone out, and that’s what Javon was doing to Raza and Kelsie. And possibly to me.

Then I figured that neither Javon, nor I, could make this stuff up. Hence, Raza, the emissary of the coming race, and Javon, her watcher, her dramaturgist, her stalker to be.

"Thick as Thieves"

Interview with Dean, Scott, and Brad Winters, Black Book, Spring 1999

It's peculiar to see Dean Winters close his eyes and let a makeup artist pat his face with a powder puff. And when he's summoned over to the racks of Italian suits and fedoras and slips into one of the many Armanis he will wear this morning, you realize we're just not in Oz anymore, and he is no longer Ryan O'Reilley, the cool psychopath he plays on HBO's Oz. "It's good to look nice for a change," he says. "Being that I'm on a prison show and all."

That's an understatement. If Oz is just a "prison show," then Valley of the Dolls is just a "paperback." The Tom Fontana and Barry Levinson-produced television serial is set in a claustrophobic vision of purgatory: the maximum-security Oswald Penitentiary. And since the first episode aired in August of '97, Dean, along with his brother Scott ( who also plays Dean's retarded brother on the show ), have been getting "Ozzed" in public on a regular basis. Everyone from soap-opera-loving housewives to young toughs in stocking caps get in their faces and yell in amazement and fear.

To keep the filial franchise thing going, enter Brad Winters, the youngest brother, and one of the Oz writers. Right now he's lurking around, trying to avoid the Armani racks. He shares with his brothers the same open face and candid blue eyes, and he certainly doesn't look like someone who would be involved in the conjuring of pornographically grim scenes of bleeding eyeballs and crucifixion.

"It's so much f**king fun," says Dean who, at 34, is the oldest of the brothers. "I wish we would do more episodes during the season. I've worked on so many bad TV things. I'd go to work and I'd just be like, oh Christ." He calls Scott, who is the more experienced actor of the two ( Dean got into the business at an ancient 28 ), "the king of memorable scenes"--and Scott does have a knack for putting on the innocuous, Caucasian white face. Scott ( who is 33 ) was the silky-haired Harvard jerk in the bar who tried to woo Minnie Driver in Good Will Hunting ( "maybe you remember me as the 'How you like them apples?' guy," he says softly), and he was also the ponytailed jerk in the '80s part of The People vs. Larry Flynt ( "maybe you remember me as the guy with his feet up on the boardroom desk" ) who took over the editorship at Hustler when the big boss was at home getting loaded. And now he's the dumb, angel-faced murderer shuffling after his brother in jail.

"I know, I know," Scott wails. "Suspend belief here, please. Come on, it's TV man. Let's try to force-feed them something with a smidgen of reality. It's better than force-feeding them soapy, sitcomy cheese." Both Dean and Scott say they get fan letters from inmates who praise Oz for showing jail as the lose-lose situation that it is. If "reality" is a load of men in wifebeater tees locked up in rooms with Plexiglas doors, the genderf**ker in all of us is pleased as punch. Oz gives us the male version of being barefoot, black-eyed , and pregnant--the tough guy who is bound, sweaty, and relieved of all rights. In the previous season, Dean's character even got breast cancer.

"We're a bunch of guys that have all come undone," Dean says. "There are no bulls**t heroes in Oz. We're there because of our failures."

There are only eight precious episodes made per season, and each one offers fleeting male frontal nudity, powdered drugs, forced sodomy in the mess hall, and billyclubs rammed to the kidneys--and that's only in the opening credits! It's enough to make any viewer want to piss blood and stay glued to the boob tube. Who knew that drama that dared to go way beyond and below the usual happy Shawshank vision of jail would be such a pleasure to watch?

Dean and Scott did some of their research for Oz at one of their earlier jobs, where they had to fend off hordes of nerved-up, needy people on a constant basis. They were a bartending duo all over their native Manhattan ( "The question is: 'Where didn't we bartend?'" says Dean. ) and during one particularly uproarious, packed, hot summer night at Nevada Smith's, Dean and Scott were lobbing around the bullsh***y Irish charm, being very mirthful and blue-eyed, and Tom Fontana, a regular customer, shouldered up to the bar, noticied that he had a hard, handsome leading man, a gentle sympathetic supporting role, and a venom-penned dialogue writer within a one-foot radius of a keg, and he decided to make some stars.

Wrong. "It always sounds like the movie Cocktail when we describe how we all started working on Oz," Brad says wearily. "Like we're a package deal or something. I was underage, so of course I was wandering around at the place where my brothers were bartending. Dean hissed at me, 'Quick, get that man a Wild Turkey!' Maybe that's why [Fontana] hired me as a writer a couple of years later."

When Fontana asked Dean if he would like a role in Homicide: Life on the Streets, his new TV series, Dean said no. One can imagine Dean crinkling the corners of his eyes and being very nice about it. "I was the first person to turn him down," he remembers gleefully.

Tom Fontana eventually got over his shock and became the Winters' champion, patronizing their Work House Theater Company, and commissioning Brathair ( Gaelic for brother ), Brad's short film about two brothers in Hell's Kitchen. "It was the first time we all got excited about working together," Scott says.

The three of them crowd into the bathroom and get into costume. Presumably. Laughter ricochets off the tile, and the rest of us exchange nervous glances. One wonders if one brother is entreating another to jam an explosive device in the toilet.

Eventually the door slams open and they pile out all at once. In their cool suites and easy matching smiles, they look sweet and untrustworthy.

"You're out of your f**king mind," Dean says to Brad, shaking his head in wonderment. "I just wanna know why the f**k we're dressed this way," Brad says, jamming an expensive fedora on the back of his head, yokel-style.

The question lingers: How can the Stanford-educated, English lit and poetry-majoring Brad Winters, who has never visited a jail, be part of a writing squad that comes up with such sparkling dialogue for society's dregs? After all, this is a mild-mannered 27-year-old man who wears cashmere sweaters and says secure, baby-brotherish things like, "I don't consciously remember anything but broad influences on my body of work," when pressed about his own poetry.

"Oz isn't a documentary," he adds cryptically. "I use lots of imagination and research." In an attempt to explain himself, he reminisces about one of his brothers knocking him out during a demonstration with a homemade pair of nunchaku. "You know how brothers are." That might explain why he knows how some boys can be, if they aren't brought up as nicely.

Much, much later, coats wrapped tight against the cold, the brothers are walking across Chinatown looking for a slice of pizza. "It would be fun to do the family thing strictly on our terms," Dean says. He names Death of a Salesman and Hamlet as two of his dream productions. Not surprisingly, these are stories about blood kin run amok.

With that long, wiry body, Dean Winters can do whatever he wants. He could be a brathair yelling out of a tenement window, or an architect drawing up plans for a church. Still, it has been a hard year for Dean. This past summer, he was starring in All Shook Up, a small, good indie film about the dreary life in New London, CT, but the film died due to funding problems. Then, at the eleventh hour, he took the romantic lead in Undercover Angel, playing a down-and-out writer opposite the un-Oz-like Yasmine Bleeth. Tough breaks, yes, but it's not bad for an actor who doesn't have a publicist or any sort of entourage that isn't part of the family tree. "I'm not sure if Undercover Angel is going out theatrically. It's the complete, polar opposite of Oz. It's mellow and G-rated. No one's eating glass or getting raped."

Brad falls into step next to him. "That would be PG entertainment."

What I Saw at My Revolution

It’s not difficult to reach back and remember the winter: What I felt, what I saw, what I thought, over and over again, questioning until I forgot the question and was left only with the confusion. I prided myself on having a mind like a steel trap and now it had become a sieve. Papers I needed whispered through my fingers, set down, never to be seen again. Like the nightmare where you grope for the thing you need, and it is no longer there.
My bed was cold. I was alone in the house. I was in the beginning of training for another long distance race, a marathon, a process which was familiar to me. I also was in the process of becoming a student teacher. That was not familiar.
It’s not difficult to reach back to those six weeks, because I described it, in painful detail, in my diary – what I felt, what I saw, what I thought. On the surface, I thought I was somewhat of a failure. Or a deeper, far more barbed epithet poised on the end of my pen: A fraud. Going deeper still, I thought I lost my language, my passion, my coins of the realm.
1/23/10
8:34pm Saturday
The end of a long week ... Weds to Friday as a high school English teacher at McCann Tech. The feeling like a fraud thing has come back, not completely, and not in that malicious way of old, but it has returned. This is my professional semester, a full 12cr course load, my first in almost 20 years ... in any case. Friday, one of my cooperating teachers let me lead the sophomore class I’ll be taking over. Words felt false in my mouth. It was someone else’s lesson. Onomatopoeia. A student corrected my pronunciation. Onno-matto-pay-eh, she said, not pee-yah. I felt my sincere lack of an English degree or anything beyond what I bullshat through at UMASS or during my experience as a professional writer. I wonder if I have it in me to make a mini-unit on the English renaissance. I do have what it takes. I guess I will find out ... it’s not essential that the students like me, or even follow me. Trust takes time. I’ve already made mistakes at McCann and I plan to make more. Am I willing to be judged – laughed at – be barely tolerated – go way, way out of my comfort zone ...
1/31/10 Sunday
2:50pm
Sunday. Where marathoners tread and dread – imagine my chagrin at having to run 12 miles this morning, before 10am – yesterday the temp didn’t get above 10F – this morning it was -3F and running in thick tights and wind pants is like running with a cement block attached to me. Even though it’s the weekend I still can’t sleep beyond 5am, because all it took was a week and a half and I’m well trained for commute and school. I was on the treadmill at the gym by 7:30, by 9:20 something I had run 12 miles. So I’m in bed now, watching the blue day as the light changes and slants over the Taconics ... the risk of failure and of exhilaration ... words falling like dead bombs, an empty pantomime. I have yet to feel the connection at McCann. What I have felt is the sense that it is hard for a teacher to take risks, to go outside of the box, to help students care about the world. To help them make their own integration. Eyes heavy now – it is almost sugaring time –
2/13/10
12:35am Saturday
Aah, a February vacation was never sweeter, a long week ... I taught my first unit to the seniors, an English sonnet unit, and when I wasn’t feeling like an actor who stepped into the fire of light and forgot her lines – I was feeling exhilarated – ending the day with the small freshman honors class, teaching the Odyssey. Believe me, I took my lumps, I could feel when the class disintegrated on me. I don’t know the material. I don’t know how to issue a hall pass. I’ve worn many pencil erasers to the nub. I feel like I’m in a wind tunnel, and papers disappear through my fingertips.
3/1/10
11:55pm
My professional semester has gone from bad to worse – if only because I’ve become more disorganized, tired – training for the race – up at 4:50am, out the door by 7am, walking into the cafetorium at 7:30, out the door, dragging my book crate on wheels at 4pm-ish. Apathetic, frustrated, agitated. Yesterday, P and I were in Hyannis, running the half marathon ... crossed the finish line in 2:08:34, my [personal best] for the distance. Drove home, fast, blaring music, in bed, wake up, the dread of Monday back at school. It doesn’t feel right to dread it. And yet it feels like I’m not learning or improving. Not enough preparation. Too many handouts. Not enough organization. Not wanting to deal with the bad grades most of the kids are getting. It’s late and I don’t care. My alarm sits unset. I knew teaching full time wasn’t going to be easy, but then I discovered that the performance work is only the iceberg tip, and the rest is planning. I realized it’s all image with me – oh, here I am, English teacher, and yeah, I love the kids, I see them, but it’s not enough. My whole career, from Littleton House [an assisted living facility where I worked as a teenager] to the Eagle, has been a search for a job I can actually like, a place to belong, and I have not found it...
***
Two days after the last diary entry, in a meeting with my college advisor and one of my cooperating teachers, I elected to drop out of my professional semester. I felt a tremendous amount of relief when I made this decision and shared it with my teachers. I knew that stepping away was the right thing to do. My cooperating teachers also supported my decision; I think they were equally frustrated by my struggling.
The diary entries describe in detail what I felt and thought during those six weeks, but they don’t describe what I knew. During my professional semester, I wasn’t ready to admit the truth. I reacted to my performance during my professional semester with a not unfamiliar mix of self-laceration and leaden disbelief, and much of the disbelief stemmed from what I knew, and couldn’t say. I got close to naming it when, in the last diary entry, I wrote that “it’s all image with me,” and that was true – some of the time.
I knew I wanted to be a teacher – I already was a teacher. Or, to be more specific, I was a tutor – For the past two years, I worked one on one with a few high school students, for a few hours every weekday morning, and although the pay wasn’t the steadiest, I found the job to be one of the most rewarding ones I’d ever had. I reluctantly put tutoring on hold when I entered my professional semester.
Almost every day during my time at McCann, I fought against the simple and painful realization that I did not want to be a teacher in a traditional high school classroom. By traditional, I meant a 7:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., one big desk/lots of little desks, one subject, 180 day calendar kind of classroom. That wasn’t what I wanted, and it took me three years of graduate study to make this discovery.
So, what did I want? In order to find out, I started a new journal. In the days, weeks, and months following my withdrawal from the professional semester, I tried to envision the ways that I could transform my passion for long distance running, illustration, and the learning life into something that inspired me, and could inspire others.

3/19
later 3:08pm
Maybe I should have put training on hold. Run less. Lesson planned more. My cooperating teacher’s words: “I spend all day Sunday doing plans and getting the week ahead ready.” All day Sunday? Sunday is a hallowed day for runners. I can’t give up running, or any of my pursuits. Running is the very air I breathe.
Does this mean I’ll never make it as a teacher? Or are my skills meant for a place other than the classroom? I don’t know if there’s a definition for what I want to do – maybe it’s creative mentoring. In the Spring of 2008, for my Curriculum class, I designed an interdisciplinary unit called “The River as Life Blood, the River as Family Tree,” which focused on the literary, environmental, and geological history of the Housatonic River. The thought of implementing this unit, or anything of its kind, was quickly cast aside while I was trying to survive at McCann.
Now I realize that I could facilitate the “River” unit if my focus could be on managing the students in the field projects, bringing students and experts together, and designing the curriculum.
With the things I truly love, I am willing to invest myself completely in the process. Such is the case with marathon running. The actual event is just the final great gesture after months of practice. Months of Sunday afternoons. Months of 20 mile lesson plans.
Lately I haven’t felt like writing anything. Maybe I’m still stuck in my Eagle deadline past. Story writer was the first life I invented for myself. The last story I “felt” was the Edith Wharton diary I wrote for school in 2008. But I reckon that’s where I’m happiest, in other people’s dreams and lives. Also happiest making films. Also making educational mindscapes.
***
There, my pen paused. “Mindscapes” was not an errant word choice – although I could not have predicted that it would have appeared in my journal. But it gave me an idea.
In this case, “Mindscapes” referred to a system of visual mapping developed by Nancy Margulies, a Bay Area-based artist and educator. To oversimplify her job description: Margulies attends meetings and draws what is said. When finished, her dynamic visual maps represent a matrix of connections that may help her client discover where it is now, and where it is going. Her clients included the Clinton White House, 3M, DuPont, Mobil, and the Women Leading Sustainability initiative.
When I learned about Margulies and her Mindscapes in my Curriculum class, I was drawn to the way she combined her talents – illustration, movement, connections, and pedagogy – into an untraditional career. How did she arrive there?
It wasn’t a linear path to Mindscapes. After studying education and fine art as an undergraduate, Margulies received her master’s degree from Webster University in St. Louis in 1975, where she studied psychology.
“My concentration was ‘the Psychology of Deafness,’” Margulies said in a recent telephone interview. “At the time, the field didn’t even exist” (N. Margulies, personal communication, April 25, 2010).
Margulies learned American Sign Language, so she could translate for her Deaf clients, and her fluency in the visual form of communication served as preparation for Mindscapes. “I learned how to listen and look very carefully,” she said. “I had to be sure I understood the whole notion, and then I had to convey it into a visual-spatial language.”
In later years, Margulies worked as an animator and as the director of an arts organization. When she left the latter job, friends and colleagues thought she was crazy, she said, but she couldn’t shake the idea of “sign language on paper.”
She made a career wish list. She wanted to travel, to be constantly learning, to meet interesting people, “and to make enough money so I didn’t have to work every day.”
Mindscapes got its start when Margulies attended a conference headed by the educator Dee Dickinson. Margulies drew what Dickinson said – her lecture was based on “six impossible things” in education.
“[Dickinson said] ‘no such thing is impossible, and I imagine we can teach children by honoring what matters to them.’” Margulies said. “I loved that.”
Margulies, who was down to her last few dollars and still “casting around” for work, showed Dickinson the drawings, and Dickinson immediately knew there was a market for her talents. Dickinson recommended her to other clients, and Margulies’ reputation grew.
That was almost 30 years ago. “I never had to market myself,” Margulies said. “Someone in every audience always said, ‘we have a use for this too.’”
Margulies is now semi-retired. She is still doing Mindscapes “in various forms,” and when I told her I was an artist and a tutor currently working with an at-risk student at the Juvenile Resource Center in Pittsfield, she suggested that Mindscaping might work as a pedagogical tool for my student.
“Use maps to help him get clear, to describe where he’s at now, and where he’d like to be,” she said. “Maps can show him how to get there.”
Does she see herself as an educator? She does. “I don’t like to be the expert up front,” she said. “I help people find out what they know, and I help them to think systemically, to not always be stuck in a linear modality. Outside of the linear is where the real power is.”
To be able to look, listen, and operate “outside of the linear” seem to be necessary skills for teachers. After interviewing Margulies, I spoke to another untraditional teacher who is at the relative beginning of her career: Jessica Rufo, the 29 year-old owner of Dottie’s, a coffee shop in Pittsfield.
Rufo, a Berkshire County native, sees Dottie’s as “a vessel for community.” Those same words could be used to describe a school and place-based education (J. Rufo, personal communication, May 5, 2010).
Rufo, who also is a co-founder of the Alchemy Initiative, a Pittsfield-based educational program that combines workshops on topics such as recyclable clothing, coffee-making, painting, and gardening, said it’s her job to teach her employees about Dottie’s values. Her employees learn where their coffee beans are grown and roasted, and where the food they serve comes from.
“You need to be passionate about what you’re teaching,” she said. “The heart needs to be lined up with the mind. That’s where my inspiration comes from,” she said (May 5, 2010).
Aah, the heart again. Without it, teaching can only be a pantomime. And without the alignment of love with the mind, and the spirit, have we not lost the coins of the realm? In reality, I had lost my language at McCann. There, I was pushed beyond my limits, all the way around, back to what I love. Broadly defined, it could be called many things: creative mentoring, total absorption in the insurmountable, impossible task. Or me and you, once strangers, now hard at work together on some common thing.

RESOURCES

Mindscapes:
www.nancymargulies.com

“The River as Life Blood, the River as Family Tree” film by Jessica Willis
http://vimeo.com/9418668

“The Secret Diary of Edith Wharton” by Jessica Willis
http://piriformis.blogspot.com/2008/12/secret-diary-of-edith-wharton.html

Photo: "Student, Pittsfield" 2010 Jessica Willis

Her name was ...

Becky Magnano is a soft-spoken and petite 17-year-old junior at a high school in Woodbridge, a small city in Massachusetts. Although she was born in a local hospital barely three miles from her high school, much of Becky’s adolescent life was spent traveling between Texas, where her Italian American father is from, North Carolina, where her mother (who is African American) used to live, and Woodbridge, where Becky’s mother, and her maternal grandmother, and her 10 great aunts and uncles, also were born and raised. “I consider myself African American,” Becky said. “And Italian sometimes.”
Her parents have been divorced almost 12 years, “but they’re still just really good friends,” Becky said. They met almost 18 years ago, at a mutual friend’s birthday party in Woodbridge, and after living together in Massachusetts for about six years, her father returned to Texas. “Every few months he comes up and stays with us,” she said. Becky has one “full” brother, Tyler, who is 15, and attends the same high school. Becky and Tyler have eight half brothers and sisters.
The siblings live with their mother in a three bedroom apartment about one mile from school, in one of the city’s older, and more socioeconomically depressed, neighborhoods. Becky’s mother is studying to be a nurse, and she works as a supervisor at a time share resort in a nearby town. Becky works 20 hours a week in the kitchen at an assisted living facility across the street from the high school.
Of the approximately 1,000 students in Becky’s high school, about 9.8 percent are listed as African American, and about 85.1 percent are listed as White, according to 2007 statistics. The numbers of students at the high school who were listed as African American has been increasing in recent years; in 2002, the percentage of African American students at the high school was 6.4 percent (City Data, 2007). Although Becky identified herself as African American, she felt like she was, in her own words, “between two worlds,” and with her Black friends and family, she acted one way, and when she was with White friends or Italian American family members, she was someone else. “Our conversations have to be different,” she said.
At Becky’s school, issues about race, and racism, largely go unspoken, she said. Her experience of racism is more covert; if she walked down the hall with a White girl “who’s really smart” and neither of them had a hall pass, certain teachers would just ask Becky if she had a pass. Becky said it was this way because of her skin color.
She also noted that she did not grow up with racism in the same way that her parents, or her grandparents – who came of age in Florida in the 1960s, during the battle for civil rights – grew up with racism. “I didn’t actually feel what it was like to be called a nigger, like my grandpa did,” she said.
I was introduced to Becky by an English teacher who mentored me when I was a preservice teacher at Becky’s high school. The first interview took place in the morning, during Becky’s free period, in the high school’s empty English department lounge. The second interview took place about a week later, at the same time in the morning, in the hallway outside of the department lounge. We spoke in whispers, and Becky’s soft voice was even softer. There was a male teacher using the room, and neither Becky, nor I, felt comfortable talking while he was there.
Although Becky was a candid and thoughtful interview subject, the process of getting her to commit to an interview time was a frustrating experience. After a successful first interview, she readily agreed to meet again, at the same time the next day, and when I arrived at the appointed time, Becky wasn’t there. The guidance office told me that she was absent. After we rescheduled for the next day, in a volley of text messages, the same thing happened again. No Becky. That’s when a department head told me that Becky often didn’t make it to school on time, and usually didn’t make it at all. In an elliptical and aggrieved tone, she added, “and then there’s the baby she’s about to have... ”
When Becky and I got together again, she told me that she was four months pregnant. When I asked her about her plans, in what would be our final interview, Becky said she had no intention of dropping out of school, and her dreams about becoming an architect, like her father, would be put on hold, but they would not be forgotten. She added that her mother gave birth to her when she was 17.
In 2007, 67 females aged 15 to 19 gave birth in Woodbridge, placing its birth rate at 52.7 per 1,000 females, more than double the state average of 22 per 1,000 females. Although Woodbridge is a relatively small city, with about 43,000 residents, its birth rate ranks very close behind much larger Massachusetts communities with a high teen birth rate, like Holyoke, Springfield, and Lawrence (Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Preganancy, 2009).
The baby’s father is Becky’s long time boyfriend, an 18-year-old fellow student at the high school. He was black, she said, and he was currently enrolled in a specialized program, run by the county sheriff’s department, for truants and dropouts. After her child was born, Becky planned on attending the city’s teen parenting program, where mothers could attend high school classes while their children were cared for in a nursery located in the same building.
Becky seemed like she was disappointed when she learned that the classes offered by the teen parenting program were going to be too easy. Becky welcomed a challenge, especially in her math classes. Still, she was adamant about staying in school.

Between Two Worlds
When we’re with our [Italian] family in Texas they like, like me and Tyler both, but there’s always a couple of them that don’t like ... I feel they don’t like me. They like Tyler a lot more than they like me because I’m darker than him. He looks more Italian, like he has a tan. It’s hard, but ... I still respect them, because they’re my family.
I look more black. Two of my [half] sisters, they’re the same color as me, but the rest of them, they’re light skinned, they look more white, their features are more white, their hair and stuff. They just look like they have a tan. When we go out places, they all think we’re friends. Because they ask us, and we tell them we’re sisters. They look at us surprised. Questions like that make me feel a little bit weird. But I guess they’re just wondering.
I think it was really hard for my parents to be together at first. My grandma, my dad’s mom, was kind of funny at first, but then she got to know my mom before I was born, I guess. She liked her and stuff like that. But my dad’s brother, he doesn’t like me and Tyler, because we look more black. Most of my dad’s side of the family loves us.
My other cousins, they’re full white, from my dad’s brothers and sisters, and my [dad’s sister and brother] aunt Jennifer and uncle Steve don’t like me. They like pretend I’m not there when I’m there. Like they’ll talk around me. My dad’s gotten into arguments with them because of it. He doesn’t like it at all. I rarely see them except for like at Christmas.
Racism definitely opened my eyes a lot, especially coming from my family and stuff. But it doesn’t bother me because – it does bother me, but I just learned how to deal with it. Because my other family, they love me, like on my dad’s side, but it’s just like a couple of them, and I don’t understand why, you know?
My mom says not to use “mulatto” because sometimes it’s derogatory. So she says to tell that I’m white and black. Some people just take offense to saying mulatto.
[Friends] will ask me, why do you act like that? They’ll bring up that I’m Italian, and we’ll be listening to black music. How come you’re listening to this? They’ll play around with me. I don’t really mind, because they accept me.
I have friends who are good kids, so to speak, and the bad kids ... I’m the kind of person who anyone can get along with. I like anybody. Anybody that’s friendly, I talk to. I try to not just go towards one kind of group of kids. I wouldn’t be myself if I just hung out with like a group of black kids and a group of white kids. Just me being multiracial I just kinda like ... I go toward everybody.
Around my friends, I don’t have to change so much. But around my family, I do. I dress different when I’m around them. I dress up. I feel ... they’re Italian, and the way they dress is formal, kinda, nice, so when I go to see them I dress really nice.

On The Move
The thing is my mom and dad really liked to travel. They always wanted us to see something. They wanted to show us that there was more to life than staying in one place, in that this is the school you have to go to. They just wanted to show us different stuff. In a way it’s kinda bad, but then in a way it’s good because they wanted to show us different stuff.
I went to school in North Carolina and Texas up until my freshman year. It’s different here than in North Carolina because there it’s a majority of blacks, it’s way more blacks. You’d find a handful of white or Hispanics there. Just the whole makeup of the school is different. I kinda liked it better there. I liked the way the school was. Because it’s not ... it’s more strict, so to speak. They wouldn’t let me wear this shirt because it’s all blue, because the gangs. They’d make me go home and put a different shirt on or they’d write something like South East [the name of the school] on the back. You’re not supposed to be in the hallway. You have to walk a certain way. Like if the bathrooms are here you have to walk all the way around. There’s so many students, there’s one way you have to walk. And they don’t like you wearing all one color. All purple, or blue, or red. I like the way that’s made up.
And the teachers there, there’s white and black. And you can’t answer them “yes,” you have to say “yes ma’am,” and stuff like that. I just like it. There’s more black teachers there. When I was in school in Texas it was more white kids.
I would like to stay in the area but it all depends. Right now we live in an apartment in a two-family house. My mom’s buying a house, but we have to wait, they’re fixing it, and the appraiser has to go in. We lived in a house before this but something went wrong with the pipe during the winter and the basement got flooded, and stuff started messing up, the guy said he fixed it and he had an appraiser in to look at it and he said it was fine, but it wasn’t. We lived in that house for a while. I’ve moved, ooh... I can’t even guess how many times.
There’s a lot of kids, like my friends I talk to, they’ve been in Woodbridge their whole life and they’ve never seen anything else, and they wish they would have moved, like, a lot, just so they could have seen stuff. I got to meet a lot of different people from a lot of different schools, I got to meet this British girl, from Britain, and a girl from Ecuador, I kinda liked it.

What Is Unspoken
Certain teachers I feel like ... they only look at the kids that are good, you know, and they look at ... say if I was to walk down the hallway without a pass and like a white girl who’s really smart would be walking down the hall without a pass, I feel they would call me out before her. Or that girl who just walked by, and she didn’t have a pass, but I had one, and he’s asking me to see it. You know what I mean? It’s all the same but we’re a different color. So that’s what makes me think.
I have had that happen a couple times by the meaner teachers. Other teachers, like [my current English teacher] Mr. Green, he would do, like anything to help students. Black, white, Italian. Mrs. Stephens [my English teacher last year] would give up her time after school to help kids like us. Only a certain amount of teachers here do that.
I’ve never really been mistreated, no. But there’s all this stuff because of race. Teachers here wouldn’t say it, but if you’re not supposed to be doing something, and you get punished, teachers make up a different excuse for why.
We’re gonna have this after school program about race. Teachers are kinda scared about talking about race and they think kids are gonna get offended if they talk about it. And so it’s not really brought up that much in school. So what they’re gonna do after school is bring it up and a group of kids will sit down and actually talk about how they feel and what they think of it and how they can change it and stuff like that and get their outlook on it.
Some teachers say they don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to offend anyone, but it’s not really offending them. It’s not like you’re saying “this is what you are,” it’s just pointing out what was seen a long time ago.
We do have an immature group of students, some black kids saying the nigger word, and yet they feel weird if a white teacher says it or something like that, and that’s where the teachers feel like they shouldn’t say it, because of the immature kids. So the mature ones will sit there and listen to teachers and won’t take offense to it.
[Nigger] is a bad word. But in the same case the same kids who don’t want a person to say it walk around the school and call their friends that.
I didn’t grow up around [the word] as much as my grandfather and my great grandfather have. So it’s not like ... I just know it from the textbooks and what I’m taught in school and what my grandparents told me, and what I saw on the History Channel and stuff like that. And movies and books. I only know that so I didn’t actually feel what it was like to be called a nigger, like my grandpa did. And then so I always got taught that if someone said it, to walk away from that person because they’re racist. It was like [my grandpa] walking into a store with a group of friends and have them say it to them. I walk into a store now and it’s fine. I didn’t grow up with feeling how hurtful the word actually was.
I feel like I am [represented well at school]. The time we really hear about [African Americans] is February Black History Month, but to change that, and actually hear more of it. They should do it like, we can pick elective classes, because, like I said, mature and immature kids. Immature kids don’t have to do it. They don’t have to hear about it or whatever, but that would be better for the kids who want to talk about it.

“School’s not always gonna be there.”
I’m pretty good on [standardized tests]. On my MCAS, on the math, I was like one point below proficient. So I need improvement, it’s not really bad, my teacher says it’s fine. I have a plan, but I kind of messed up freshman year a little bit. I was really sick, and so I didn’t come to school. Me and my guidance teachers talked about me going to [the local community college] to fix it, and they would overlook my freshman year. And then I can go in to a higher college ‘cause I want to do architecture. The dream is engineering school.
I’m really good in math. I like when the teacher teaches me and I get to do it on my own. When it comes to math, I don’t like to stop. Everything that has to do with math, I like. I’m in Geometry right now. I might be moved to trig and stats because of my math scores. I just like how there’s a method and you can do it, and like it’s figured out.
In my class right now there’s a whole bunch of girls. There are only two boys in my math class. And my teacher is a woman. It’s kinda weird.
Some of my friends, they’re not really into school. They don’t care about it. For me to like, want to do something in school, they kinda look at me like, what are you doing? Why do you do good in school? And it’s just like, because. I’ll always have time to hang out, but school’s not always gonna be there. My mom and my dad, they pushed us our whole life to like school a lot. My dad has a good job. He’s like an architect too, and he likes to build. My grandpa does that stuff too, and I would watch him build when I was little and handle the tools and stuff, so I really liked that, and they told us that the only way we would do that was to go to school. I just don’t want to like get out of school and have to work like four jobs just to get by, you know?
I feel like my friends want to drag me down sometimes. Like I have friends outside of school. The thing about it is, around my age, the kids aren’t really, like, mature. I understand that sometimes you can have fun, sometimes you can’t, and I notice that my school friends are into drugs and stuff like that and so I like the older, like, 18 year olds. They’re mature. We have fun. Lots of fun without doing messed up things. We listen to music and go for walks. Just simple stuff. I hang out with people from work, too. I just don’t want to do [drugs], so I go toward everybody else, not trying to say that they try to like peer pressure me, I just don’t want to be around it.
The majority of kids in my classes are white kids. It’s just like I’m the only person there so I feel like I’m getting ... I might not be, you see what I’m saying? It just feels like I’m the only one there. I feel like I have to show more, like I have to push myself more.

“That won’t be me.”
We didn’t plan [the pregnancy]. But we’ve been together for like five years, and it will be six on January 18th. [My boyfriend] is really big into sports and stuff, and he’s always in the paper for sports. He plays every sport.
We’re still gonna go to school and stuff. I’m gonna stay in school. There’s a teen parent program, and I’m gonna go there and finish the rest of school, and there’s day care there. I guess I can get my high school diploma, Mrs. Stephens was telling me. I guess the classes are really easy. There’s a nursery downstairs. If [the baby] is having a tough time, like they’re crying a lot, they’ll call you out of class. There’s a couple schools I was looking at with my guidance teacher, they’re schools I can travel to from here to there, or they have nurseries at the school, not on campus but nearby, and you can get vouchers as long as you’re going to college.
Some girls I know are like, before this happened they told me they were planning [to get pregnant] and stuff, and I didn’t get it that they honestly did. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do that, and they’re having a tough time now because they don’t have any support, they just wanted to have the baby and that’s what they wanted. They’re doing all right, it’s hard, you know what I mean, they didn’t have a game plan, they just wanted a baby because there’s nothing else to do, that’s what they said.
I have a lot of support from my family. My dad doesn’t know yet. He’s really strict, and he’s gonna be mad.
I know two other girls who got pregnant. They dropped out of school. I won’t be a dropout. That won’t be me.

Commentary
When Becky sat across from me in the department lounge, we often found ourselves touching our bare forearms together, comparing – well, contrasting – our skin colors. Her brother Tyler was medium colored, like me, she noted, and added that she looked “more black” than the other members of her family. Her darker skin often meant that she was treated coolly, or ignored, by members of her father’s Italian American family.
These exchanges were reminiscent of a simple, but telling, comment made by a young Sudanese man in the documentary Lost Boys of Sudan: “I am so black.” He said it in a weary, knowing tone. I am so black, and separate even from those with whom I belong. It never occurred to me, until relatively recently, that there could be, within a family, a hierarchy of belonging that aligned itself on a spectrum of light to dark skin.
As a former news reporter, and someone who often relies on clean, finished explanations to complex things, I often looked for linear logic, and linear chronology, where it doesn’t necessarily exist – namely, in family structures. I am used to the time line of mother, father, me, brother, one school district, separation, divorce, the end. I found myself asking an amused Becky, to explain (and re-explain) how she was related to her skein of brothers, half sisters, and dozens of aunts and uncles. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Her passage, from state to state, and school to school, and adolescence to burgeoning motherhood, hasn’t been exactly linear.
I got the sense that Becky was fabricating parts of her story -- for my benefit, perhaps, or for hers.
After our last session in the high school hallway, Becky stopped responding to text messages or phone calls to set up another interview session. About two weeks later, Mrs. Stephens told me that Becky had left the high school and enrolled early in the teen parent program.

Names of all individuals and identifying places have been changed.


Sources
City-Data.com (2007). Retrieved from www.city-data.com

Massachusetts Alliance on Teen Pregnancy. (2009). Trends in Teen Birth Rates for Selected Communities, 2006-2007. Retrieved from
http://www.massteenpregnancy.org/research/teen-pregnancy-and-birth-rates

Iron City hot

My fangirl review of the almost forgotten and always cherished Reckless (1984), starring Aidan Quinn and Daryl Hannah
Originally published January 5th, 2010

I also hesitated about buying this teen steam classic in the DVD-R format, but so far, so good. I watched the movie last night and the quality was fine. Actually, it was better than I expected. Clean and clear and none of that photo of a photo murkiness I've seen in other recently exhumed films.
If you are a newcomer to this movie, or it's been a couple of decades since you've seen it, rest assured that Reckless stands out from other post-Risky Business teen movies of the 80s and beyond. The chemistry between Aidan Quinn's Johnny Rourke (the poor rebel outsider) and Daryl Hannah's Tracey Prescott (the popular, rich cheerleader) renders any plot line cookie cutterness totally obsolete, and Reckless rides on their heat.
Beyond that, Reckless also is well served by the strength of another main character -- the setting. No soundstage, or Vancouver street corner, this. Much of the movie was shot in Mingo Junction, Ohio, a town that couldn't be more rust belt if it tried. The opening shots of steel mill smoke stacks belching pollution into a heavy, gray sky, followed by a close up of Quinn's dreamy intense blue eyed stare, say it all. The desperation felt by Johnny, Tracey, and the other high school seniors feels real -- job prospects, outside of the dying steel mill, are scarce. "Are we dead?" asks one of Tracey's cheerleader friends when they almost get into a car crash. "No," replies another girlfriend, her voice a sigh of disappointment. The only hope for life is to break out of this dead end town. And go where?
Good question. After a turn on the dance floor in the high school gym -- in an unforgettable scene given extra oomph by a Romeo Void song ("I might like you better if we slept together," indeed) and a camera that doesn't stop circling the pogo-ing lovers -- the main characters go and have rust belt teen steam sex. Sex that is actually sexy. That chemistry thing again ... Meanwhile, Aidan Quinn channels Brando. Hannah channels, well, that lips parted, insecure, almost vacuous, legs that go on forever thing. The end of the movie is a bit of an open road fantasy, but 25 years later, it also invites the question ... whatever happened to Johnny and Tracey?